Unbounded

Hello again boys and girls.

Remember our pee-wee days when we all had our own little share of hardass math teachers who petrified us stiff by their complete lack of empathy and humor?

Well, back in the days where wringing a misguided student’s collar was still an acceptable behavioral correction tool (Damn, I should’ve sued when one of my crone teachers did that to me), they would remind us that “Oh little children, you see, mathematics can be useful. It’s practical. You’d get to use it in real life”. Yup, I’m sure you’ve heard of it, and no doubt threw those words of wisdom out the window.

I’m here to tell you that it’s all true. Math really can save your life, and here’s a short story to tell you why.

About a year or two ago, my friends and I convened to celebrate fermented barley. It was one of those nights where we lived like the Romans (minus the gluttony, lead poisoning, and orgy. It was a night of good clean ethanol consumption). In an illustration of how boys can be boys, one friend of mine chugged half a bottle of bubblegum lambanog (fermented coconut wine with a bubblegum flavor) and half a bottle of Absolut Blackcurrant. Needless to say, the bloke was knocked out cold for the night, and we had to nurse him because he was shivering uncontrollably, with the occasional unconscious vomiting...

Let’s pause for a moment to talk about blood alcohol content.

When a person has about one to three drinks, his blood alcohol content would be about 0.02 - 0.03%. This equates to noticeable cognitive changes, and euphoria. With about five drinks, your BAC would be around 0.15% - 0.20%. By that much, you’d be in a state of stupor. With twelve drinks, your BAC would spike to about 0.30% - 0.40%. This equates to loss of consciousness to comatose. And finally, with twenty-four drinks in one hour, your BAC would be around 0.50%... You’d be dead by now.

Now back to my friend. Bubblegum lambanog and Vodka are both 80 proof, and one shot would be equivalent to one “drink”. He consumed about a liter of 40% alcohol combined. My guess is that his blood alcohol content was definitely in between 0.30% 0.35%.

My friend woke up the following day with a terrible hangover, and was completely puzzled why he wasn’t wearing his shirt and why the heck did he slept at the bathtub.

So boys and girls, if you are able to meticulously count the calories in your chocolate decadent cake, I’m sure you’d be able to compute your possible blood alcohol content before you take a shot of Jose Cuervo. It can save your life.